Sickness and Death

This past week, I have been sick. You know, that yearly sinus infection/cough/yucky stuff that you get. I was supposed to go to work on Wednesday-Saturday. I went home early on Wednesday, missed work all together on Thursday and Friday, and worked most of the day on Saturday. I really didn't need to miss that much work, but oh well.

On top of being sick, my mom was in the hospital as well. They think she must have had a mini stroke. They ran a few tests, and most have come back normal. Her doctor is just amazed that she is doing so well. She asked him, "I'm not supposed to be here, am I?" To which he replied, "Well, no. You aren't." That's kind of comforting, but at the same time not. I feel like we're on our own. The doctors don't even know what to do. I feel like I'm just supposed to sit back and wait for my mom to slowly diminish in health and then eventually die. I feel tired of being worried about her...constantly. I'm tired of wondering if I leave her alone, is she going to fall and hit her head on something and die. And then she'd be there all alone, without anyone by her side. I'm tired of seeing my dad's phone number on my caller id and immediatly thinking something is wrong with mom. I'm tired of her being in pain. I don't want her to hurt anymore.

On a similar note, one of my friend's mother passed away this week. Her mom was diagnosed with cancer about two months before my mom. Her cancer was similar as my mom's but not the same. I can't shake this feeling of thinking my mom is not far behind. Even though my mom is doing "so well", we were told she would start to have more episodes. And that eventually it would take her life. Well even though I want my mommie to be here forever, I don't want her to suffer like that. I wish God would just take her quickly. Not to drag it out. I'm also not saying I want this to happen now. But I do not want her to slowly wither away. She doesn't deserve that.

I'm not saying these things to depress any of you who read this. This blog is just a way for me to express my feelings. They're not good or bad, right or wrong. They just are. And please don't feel sorry for me either. I'm doing fine. I really am. I've got a wonderful husband who lets me cry and cry if I need to. And I enjoy my time with my mom. It's a really special time that we get to have.